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The night before SRS is when things got really bad though. And I didn’t want to go to sleep because I just was enjoying my time with my gf and just being out of bed. I kept telling her how scared I was and how uncertain I was. We get to the pre-op area and they have me get on a different gurney. I wasn’t ready for this, and we almost didn’t get to say we loved one another.
I had nothing left to do but wait, so I was just trying to live in that moment. One of the last things I asked her was, “am I doing the right thing?
When I started transitioning I told my therapist and partners that I wanted to get FFS, BA, then maybe SRS in that order. So I had started looking into it pretty heavily, and fairly quickly decided on Suporn.
I was not entirely sure if I’d want SRS for most of my time transitioning. On May 8th 2016 I sent the initial email to Sophie asking for details and getting things put together. On June 13th I emailed about an opening on August 16th 2016, and secured that date.
I’ve talked about my fear on the morning of SRS in my post of that day.
I’ve mentioned it in passing elsewhere, and at length in some of my posts on /r/asktransgender.
Then a nurse came in and told me to go to bed about 10 PM. ” I knew she couldn’t definitively tell me either way, but she knew what I needed and told me “yes, you’re doing the right thing.” When I got to the OR the operating table looked like it was right out of a lethal injection room table. From the moment I left my room until I went under I had such uncontrollable anxiety and fear and wanted nothing more than to say, “I can’t do this” and cancel.
This sent me into an anxiety spiral I didn’t come out of until after waking up from SRS. The nurse working to put my IV in couldn’t find my vein and kept poking me. I’m going to get butchered and regret this for life…” The head nurse saw me freaking out and came over in between my right arm and chest. About this point the head nurse started just talking with me.
This started a crazy period of getting letters, money, flights, work arrangements, passport updated (it was still under old legal name at that point), and all the other logistics in place.I am not one who ever experienced a crippling fear or anxiety like that before, and after talking with some people who have asked me to expand upon it I’m going to do my best to talk through it in this post.My goal is to help others feel that it’s something that can happen, and if it does that it doesn’t need to control their life or decisions during what is a crazy time in a persons life. I hope that it helps at least one other person, if it does then I’ll have achieved my goal.Unfortunately this is so unique to every person that there isn’t an easy one size fits all approach to SRS.
But by sharing our own experiences with one another and building a community we can help those in the future have a little easier time than we ourselves perhaps did. So why was I scared, apprehensive, and anxious going into SRS?
So we left customs and went to the area there and nobody from the Clinic was there. So now I’m in Thailand with no idea what to do because I was stressed and didn’t read the instructions well enough.